Get up at 8, shower and go down to breakfast. Leave hotel at 9.15 and catch metro… do not pass go and do not go to the toilet! Walk to clinic. I can change into my slippers and don’t have to wear the funny green shoe covers. We wait for a few minutes and then Olga tells me to put on my slippers and calls me in.
I am taken to a small ward, with 4 beds. One girl is already preparing herself. l am given a green paper gown, big green feet things and a charming green shower cap, and instructed to strip from the waist down. l can leave my socks on and wear the t.shirt. l opted to wear one of my beloved's - Alice Cooper seemed frightening enough – as it would cover more. Olga explained that my tx would not be till the allotted 11.30, but we arrived early so l had to wait for another 45 minutes. This meant putting up with a very full bladder. The bed looks comfy, but decide not to lie on it. Read my book and get very nervous. The enormity of what we are doing actually hits me. Suddenly feel like running out into the snow screaming “I’ve changed my mind.” Eventually called in on the dot of 10.30.
Taken in to the theatre. About 8 people there. I am put back in the horror chair, with knees in stirrups and the feeling I am about to fall down through it. My woman bits protruding out for all to see. Nice. Nothing to cover me up. I decide not to ask K in, the indignity of it all is just too much. Can't see screen, but noticed it was still an ultrasound from the antiquities. Olga is there and that’s reassuring. Seat goes back. I start to talk, but Olga says I must not speak at all until they say I can. Didn’t expect that. My reaction to feeling uncomfortable or embarrassed is to joke about it. So suffer in silence. I can feel a metal thing go in, like the usual smear test. And then the doctor pressing on my increasingly sore bladder. Can hear a blowing sound. And that seems to be it. Then told not to lift head. Very difficult to heave body off chair/table and onto trolley, without lifting head or talking, but the nurse helps. Wheeled into ward again. Then several help me off trolley on to bed. Am told I must lie and be quiet and must not lift head. After 10 minutes I can go to the loo and then must wait a further 10 minutes before I can leave.
As I lie there, looking at the ceiling and wondering if I could reach my book without moving my head (I couldn’t), I ponder about what we have done. I think about the babies we lost and I hope that this time it will work. I even consider prayer, but I lost my faith the night I lost our first baby and I can’t see it ever coming back. I remember years ago when I was getting married the first time and our vicar told us all about the power of prayer. How he and his wife were very tired and went down on their knees and prayed. The next day he got a letter saying he’d won a holiday. He said, you just have to ask. Well, it seems a strange deity that gives a couple of weeks in Majorca to the vicar who’s a bit tired, but is happy to watch a much wanted baby die. Decide that this time it’s going to be alright and feel very relaxed. Find the little loo at the end of the ward and the relief is tremendous! Another 10 mins of rest and back to my beloved.
Decided to stay in at the hotel. K went out to forage for food and I sleep.
He brings back bananas! Have a snack for dinner in our room and then watched the Jack Black movie, Nacho Libra. Watchable, but pretty useless.
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